1 00:00:02,566 --> 00:00:05,202 So when they asked me to train the new hire, Diane, 2 00:00:05,235 --> 00:00:07,571 I was like, "Get me a beef sandwich, Diane!" 3 00:00:07,603 --> 00:00:10,174 Then Diane send Dick to get the sandwich. 4 00:00:10,206 --> 00:00:12,842 Diane totally gets how things work at the CIA. 5 00:00:12,876 --> 00:00:14,510 Sorry, Francine, what did you ask me? 6 00:00:14,543 --> 00:00:16,345 I asked you to let go of my wrist. 7 00:00:16,379 --> 00:00:20,584 You tried to take a waffle, and I'm first waffle guy. 8 00:00:20,616 --> 00:00:22,185 Stan, can I catch a ride? 9 00:00:22,219 --> 00:00:24,888 Got my first shift for Southwest Airlines today. 10 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,290 What? You don't know anything about being a flight attendant. 11 00:00:27,324 --> 00:00:29,026 But I do know comedy. 12 00:00:29,058 --> 00:00:31,194 And that's all that matters at Southwest. 13 00:00:31,228 --> 00:00:34,197 With you there, people should check their sensitivities at the gate. 14 00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:36,800 Oh, my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! 15 00:00:37,274 --> 00:00:38,367 I want that joke! 16 00:00:38,401 --> 00:00:39,636 Give me that joke! 17 00:00:39,669 --> 00:00:41,872 Ugh! You're getting syrup in my hair! 18 00:00:41,905 --> 00:00:42,972 Somebody help her! 19 00:00:43,005 --> 00:00:45,042 You can use it! Jesus! 20 00:00:45,075 --> 00:00:46,410 Yay! 21 00:00:46,442 --> 00:00:48,277 And as a thank you, I'll tell you how to get 22 00:00:48,310 --> 00:00:51,380 your seat upgraded without paying a dime extra. 23 00:00:51,692 --> 00:00:53,216 ANNOUNCER: That's right, "American Dadders." 24 00:00:53,249 --> 00:00:55,084 There's all kinds of travel tips 25 00:00:55,118 --> 00:00:57,386 the airlines don't want you to know about. 26 00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:59,990 For instance, guns aren't allowed on planes, 27 00:01:00,023 --> 00:01:01,624 so if you can get one on, 28 00:01:01,658 --> 00:01:03,727 you'll have a tremendous amount of leverage. 29 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,496 Then you can sit wherever you want. 30 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:08,966 (panting) Whoa! 31 00:01:08,998 --> 00:01:11,301 I was paralyzed for, like, 10 seconds. 32 00:01:11,334 --> 00:01:13,837 I couldn't move. Did anyone else see that? 33 00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:15,672 I thought I had a stroke. 34 00:01:15,704 --> 00:01:18,174 (patriotic music plays) 35 00:01:18,207 --> 00:01:21,444 Good morning, U.S.A. 36 00:01:21,477 --> 00:01:24,814 I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day 37 00:01:24,847 --> 00:01:28,117 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 38 00:01:28,150 --> 00:01:32,155 And he's shinin' a salute to the American race 39 00:01:34,123 --> 00:01:37,360 Oh, boy, it's swell to say 40 00:01:37,394 --> 00:01:39,663 - Good... - Good morning, U.S.A. 41 00:01:39,695 --> 00:01:40,965 Aah! 42 00:01:42,231 --> 00:01:45,635 Good morning, U.S.A. 43 00:01:48,237 --> 00:01:50,706 Hey, I'm training Diane at the gun range tonight, 44 00:01:50,739 --> 00:01:52,008 so I'm gonna be late for dinner. 45 00:01:52,042 --> 00:01:53,944 Unless I eat with Diane. 46 00:01:53,977 --> 00:01:55,879 Then we'll just eat when we're hungry. 47 00:01:55,912 --> 00:01:58,348 Stan is spending a lot of time with this Diane person, 48 00:01:58,380 --> 00:01:59,783 don't you think? 49 00:01:59,816 --> 00:02:02,186 Klaus, when you're married to a sexy man, 50 00:02:02,218 --> 00:02:04,655 there's always gonna be some bush league snizz 51 00:02:04,688 --> 00:02:06,222 trying to storm the castle. 52 00:02:06,255 --> 00:02:07,491 Aren't you worried? 53 00:02:07,523 --> 00:02:08,859 Yeah, I'm worried. 54 00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:11,728 I'm worried about Diane's hospital bills. 55 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,896 Oh, shit! Girl don't play! 56 00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:15,465 What's the plan?! 57 00:02:15,497 --> 00:02:18,167 I think that's a question for my girlfriends. 58 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,370 Oh, getting the war counsel together. 59 00:02:20,402 --> 00:02:22,805 Merlot for my girls... 60 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,341 and for me, 61 00:02:24,373 --> 00:02:27,544 a little bit of Francine's private reserve. 62 00:02:29,211 --> 00:02:32,582 (groans) Ooh! Hoo! Wha! 63 00:02:33,641 --> 00:02:35,352 Francine! 64 00:02:35,384 --> 00:02:36,586 Sharon! 65 00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:38,155 What up, Franny?! 66 00:02:38,187 --> 00:02:39,522 Caroline! 67 00:02:39,556 --> 00:02:41,258 - Where's Connie? - Hey, y'all. 68 00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:44,594 Television star Connie Britton, you made it! 69 00:02:44,628 --> 00:02:46,430 TOGETHER: Friends, friends, friends! 70 00:02:46,462 --> 00:02:49,765 (mumbling incoherently) 71 00:02:49,799 --> 00:02:52,069 He said he's taking her to the range, 72 00:02:52,102 --> 00:02:55,205 but he left his white leather shooting glove at home. 73 00:02:55,237 --> 00:02:58,008 So let's call him up, catch him in his lie. 74 00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,942 Good idea. 75 00:02:59,975 --> 00:03:01,578 - (line ringing) - STAN: Hello? 76 00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:05,381 Honey, how are you going to the range with Diane tonight 77 00:03:05,414 --> 00:03:07,383 when you left your shooting glove at home? 78 00:03:07,417 --> 00:03:09,086 Excuse me? I-I don't understand. 79 00:03:09,118 --> 00:03:10,287 I said... 80 00:03:10,319 --> 00:03:14,257 (mumbling incoherently) 81 00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:15,859 Honey, you sound stressed. 82 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,760 Maybe go for a nice long drive. 83 00:03:17,794 --> 00:03:19,396 He's playing dumb. 84 00:03:19,429 --> 00:03:20,796 Good-bye, Stan. 85 00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:23,200 This Diane's a serious threat. 86 00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,269 Hey, I'm the serious threat. 87 00:03:25,301 --> 00:03:26,969 Go take care of business. 88 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:29,640 Punch her in them floppy tits! 89 00:03:29,673 --> 00:03:32,141 (mumbling) 90 00:03:33,045 --> 00:03:34,111 Ooh. 91 00:03:34,144 --> 00:03:36,413 It looks like the bank's open. 92 00:03:36,445 --> 00:03:38,581 And the beauty parlor. 93 00:03:43,888 --> 00:03:47,024 Time to put away laptops, tablets, and mobile devices. 94 00:03:47,057 --> 00:03:49,527 But if you've still got a BlackBerry, keep that out, 95 00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:52,498 'cause I'll be coming around with a trash bag real soon. 96 00:03:52,531 --> 00:03:54,500 (chuckles) If you need anything, 97 00:03:54,532 --> 00:03:56,734 just call me or any of the other flight attendants. 98 00:03:56,768 --> 00:03:59,238 We all go by, "Uh, excuse me, Miss?" 99 00:03:59,270 --> 00:04:01,539 Even Trevor, who told me in confidence 100 00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:03,209 that he identifies as a female. 101 00:04:04,408 --> 00:04:06,011 Trevor! 102 00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:07,445 (chuckling) 103 00:04:08,547 --> 00:04:10,181 See that? I crushed! 104 00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:12,384 God, what a high. You're cute. 105 00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:16,021 How about after we go wheels up, I come in there and go heels up, 106 00:04:16,053 --> 00:04:19,557 and you can unload your passengers at Gate "A." 107 00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:22,428 Donna forgot to mention, if we lose cabin pressure, 108 00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:25,030 strap on your mask to start the flow of oxygen. 109 00:04:25,062 --> 00:04:29,033 But if oxy-gin isn't your brand, we've got Tanqueray. 110 00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:30,869 That's how I get through these flights. 111 00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:32,538 (laughter) 112 00:04:32,570 --> 00:04:34,639 What the... Trying to show me up?! 113 00:04:34,673 --> 00:04:36,274 Oh, it's on. 114 00:04:36,307 --> 00:04:38,911 Thanks, Karen. Don't worry about correcting me 115 00:04:38,944 --> 00:04:40,479 in front of a plane full of assholes, 116 00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:43,916 'cause I checked my sensitivity at the gate. 117 00:04:46,250 --> 00:04:49,154 'Cause you check things at... You know, I'm not explaining. 118 00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:50,923 Is it... Is it hot in here? 119 00:04:50,956 --> 00:04:52,758 Is this a hot plane? 120 00:04:52,791 --> 00:04:55,394 Whatever Donna's drinking, I hope the pilot didn't have any. 121 00:04:55,427 --> 00:04:56,628 (laughter) 122 00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:58,297 (laughs) Damn it! 123 00:05:00,831 --> 00:05:02,834 Looks like another late one with Diane. 124 00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,735 FRANCINE: Stay as late as you need to, dear. 125 00:05:04,769 --> 00:05:06,505 I'll just be here at the house, 126 00:05:06,538 --> 00:05:10,242 the one we built together as a committed, loving couple. 127 00:05:10,274 --> 00:05:11,577 Yeah, I love that place! 128 00:05:11,610 --> 00:05:13,946 Maybe I'll watch that show "House," 129 00:05:13,978 --> 00:05:16,781 or "House... of Lies." 130 00:05:16,815 --> 00:05:18,750 Oh, no, no, no! Don't talk about "House of Lies." 131 00:05:18,783 --> 00:05:20,485 I'm only halfway through season one! 132 00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:22,687 La la la la la! 133 00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,656 (ding) 134 00:05:27,225 --> 00:05:29,995 STAN: Oh, yeah. Come on! Yeah. 135 00:05:30,028 --> 00:05:32,264 That pig! 136 00:05:32,296 --> 00:05:34,465 Oh, God, I'm gonna finish in record time! 137 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:37,076 He never finishes fast with me. 138 00:05:37,111 --> 00:05:37,877 Can I help you? 139 00:05:37,877 --> 00:05:40,538 I don't think so. I'm here to deal with Diane. 140 00:05:40,572 --> 00:05:42,708 - That's me. - No, you're not. 141 00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:45,443 Diane's in there, finishing off my husband. 142 00:05:45,476 --> 00:05:47,678 I'm obviously not in there with Stan. 143 00:05:47,711 --> 00:05:50,315 You're as bad a liar as he is. 144 00:05:50,348 --> 00:05:53,685 Now, excuse me while I bust you guys! 145 00:05:54,966 --> 00:05:55,687 Stan? 146 00:05:55,719 --> 00:05:58,022 Francine?! I-It's not what it looks like. 147 00:05:58,055 --> 00:06:02,693 It looks like you're playing with little toy cars. 148 00:06:02,726 --> 00:06:05,730 On the contrary. This is a slot car... 149 00:06:05,764 --> 00:06:09,300 a 1/32 scale McLaren M7 with magnetic suspension, 150 00:06:09,334 --> 00:06:11,637 2.4 volt engine, and a real European... 151 00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:13,138 Oh, wait. This is a toy car. 152 00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:15,673 This is all the stuff I said before. 153 00:06:15,706 --> 00:06:18,644 And when I put it on the track, it goes fast. 154 00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:20,345 Oh! 155 00:06:20,377 --> 00:06:22,313 Ooh! 156 00:06:22,346 --> 00:06:23,915 Oh! 157 00:06:24,048 --> 00:06:26,017 Oh! 158 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:27,752 So... 159 00:06:27,786 --> 00:06:29,887 you're not hooking up with her. 160 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,690 I wish! 161 00:06:31,723 --> 00:06:33,057 Yeah! 162 00:06:33,091 --> 00:06:35,227 And you're not interested in him. 163 00:06:35,259 --> 00:06:38,029 (laughs) Little tiny car guy? 164 00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:40,197 No. He's all yours. 165 00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,533 Oh. Great. 166 00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,536 My car has been slippy on this turn. 167 00:06:44,569 --> 00:06:46,738 - (fabric tears) - Francine, my pants ripped. 168 00:06:46,771 --> 00:06:48,840 Go to my desk, in my top drawer, there's a pair 169 00:06:48,872 --> 00:06:51,108 of sky-blue wrinkle-release Dockers. 170 00:06:51,142 --> 00:06:52,711 Underneath that is my "Phantom of the Opera" 171 00:06:52,743 --> 00:06:54,445 long sleeve t-shirt. 172 00:06:54,478 --> 00:06:58,317 Please bring it immediately and tie it around my waist. 173 00:07:01,656 --> 00:07:03,207 Wow, you must be so relieved. 174 00:07:03,239 --> 00:07:06,075 To go from thinking your husband was cheating on you 175 00:07:06,109 --> 00:07:08,078 to realizing he's an amazing athlete. 176 00:07:08,111 --> 00:07:10,948 But... But why didn't you tell me about this? 177 00:07:10,981 --> 00:07:13,183 Because I knew you'd try to talk me out of racing 178 00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,686 Lonny Bulmanferg at the Altoona Grand Prix. 179 00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:17,454 Lonny Bulmanferg? 180 00:07:17,486 --> 00:07:19,689 Let's push him out of our minds for one night. 181 00:07:19,722 --> 00:07:21,924 Maybe with a sex. (groans) 182 00:07:21,957 --> 00:07:23,693 Ah, pins and needles, pins and needles! 183 00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:25,229 Ah. 184 00:07:25,262 --> 00:07:27,364 My legs are useless. 185 00:07:27,397 --> 00:07:30,400 Could be a great opportunity for you to ride me. 186 00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:33,036 But first, go to my study, in the right desk drawer, 187 00:07:33,068 --> 00:07:35,104 underneath a pair of pleated burgundy Dockers, 188 00:07:35,138 --> 00:07:37,207 you'll find my lovemaking sandals. 189 00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,441 What is that? 190 00:07:38,474 --> 00:07:40,109 Freakin' Bulmanferg. 191 00:07:40,142 --> 00:07:43,412 Prepare yourself for a rage boner, Francine. 192 00:07:43,445 --> 00:07:44,748 I... 193 00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:46,582 got to go to the bathroom. 194 00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:48,986 Make sure you use the wet wipes just in case 195 00:07:49,018 --> 00:07:51,155 I want to go mousing around down there. 196 00:07:53,022 --> 00:07:54,957 Here I come, ladies. 197 00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:57,394 (gulping) 198 00:07:57,426 --> 00:07:59,629 (grunts) 199 00:07:59,662 --> 00:08:00,997 Girl, what are we doing here? 200 00:08:01,030 --> 00:08:02,566 You don't have to worry about Diane. 201 00:08:02,599 --> 00:08:04,301 She thinks Stan's a real zero. 202 00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:07,103 - Problem solved! - Or is that the problem? 203 00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:10,140 One of the things that thrilled me about Stan 204 00:08:10,172 --> 00:08:12,742 was other women finding him sexy. 205 00:08:12,775 --> 00:08:14,744 Like having my own Chris Hemsworth. 206 00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:18,614 If you want that thrill back, you could sexy up Stan. 207 00:08:18,647 --> 00:08:20,316 Take him to get a makeover! 208 00:08:20,349 --> 00:08:21,919 To the mall! 209 00:08:21,952 --> 00:08:24,655 (slurred) To the mall! 210 00:08:27,224 --> 00:08:29,827 All right. Roger said we can all fly for free somewhere, 211 00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:31,662 so we need to agree on a place to go. 212 00:08:31,694 --> 00:08:33,496 I vote for Na Pali State Park. 213 00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:34,964 Wait, that's what I was gonna say. 214 00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:37,266 So was I! This is crazy! 215 00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:38,702 Hawaii... 216 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,205 TOGETHER: Here we com... 217 00:08:41,237 --> 00:08:42,705 Pack your bags, we're going to Fort Worth. 218 00:08:42,738 --> 00:08:43,773 - What?! - Fort Worth?! 219 00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:45,042 Okay! 220 00:08:45,074 --> 00:08:46,876 You said we could go anywhere we want. 221 00:08:46,909 --> 00:08:47,837 And now I'm saying 222 00:08:47,837 --> 00:08:49,946 that you're coming with me to laugh at my jokes 223 00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:53,050 because Karen is trying to drop a wet deuce on my dreams! 224 00:08:53,082 --> 00:08:55,986 If I wanted to hear jokes, I'd go to Snot's stand-up show. 225 00:08:56,019 --> 00:08:58,188 He's got a... He's got a new bit about... 226 00:08:58,221 --> 00:09:01,291 (chuckles) how... how bands at weddings, 227 00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,025 since they... they just do cover songs 228 00:09:03,058 --> 00:09:05,962 are basically juke boxes that only take hundreds. 229 00:09:05,996 --> 00:09:08,465 (chuckles) He can make jokes out of anything. 230 00:09:08,497 --> 00:09:10,800 Guys, guys, you know me. 231 00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:12,703 Do I respond rationally 232 00:09:12,736 --> 00:09:16,740 when a new thang I'm into is met with resistance? 233 00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:18,508 - (choking) - So how about it? 234 00:09:18,540 --> 00:09:20,477 Are we all going to Fort Worth via Buffalo? 235 00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:21,712 Let him go! 236 00:09:21,745 --> 00:09:23,480 Okay, okay, I'm checking in now! 237 00:09:23,512 --> 00:09:26,249 - You, show me your laugh. - (forced laughing) 238 00:09:26,283 --> 00:09:27,985 That's great! You're doing it! 239 00:09:28,018 --> 00:09:30,087 - (gasping) - You guys are gonna love it. 240 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,489 I start with stand-up, and then I move into improv, 241 00:09:32,521 --> 00:09:34,424 which I've been really flowing on lately. 242 00:09:34,457 --> 00:09:36,260 Check it, give me one word to start. 243 00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:38,495 Um... cactus. 244 00:09:38,528 --> 00:09:41,198 Perfect, cactus. 245 00:09:41,231 --> 00:09:43,634 I'm choking this cactus! 246 00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:47,770 Francine, why are we here? 247 00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:49,338 I need to work on my slot cars. 248 00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:51,607 I just thought you could do it in cooler shoes, 249 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,876 a V-neck sweater, and jeans so tight 250 00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:57,046 you have to put your dick and balls down different legs. 251 00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,206 Let's just hurry this up. 252 00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,978 Mel's counting on me to be ready for this weekend's race. 253 00:10:01,013 --> 00:10:01,840 Mel? 254 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,520 Mel's my lane monkey, grooms the track, greases turns. 255 00:10:04,554 --> 00:10:06,188 Can't grease too much, though. 256 00:10:06,222 --> 00:10:07,457 The cars can shoot off the track. 257 00:10:07,490 --> 00:10:09,092 One car hit a guy in the arm once. 258 00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:11,227 They stopped the race so his mom could blow on it 259 00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,663 and give him some Gatorade. 260 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:16,800 Excuse me, see that guy over there? 261 00:10:16,832 --> 00:10:19,969 I need you to make him irresistible to women. 262 00:10:20,002 --> 00:10:21,270 Super jump. 263 00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:23,206 So what do you think he'd look good in? 264 00:10:23,238 --> 00:10:24,540 A coffin. 265 00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:26,476 Oh, damn! 266 00:10:26,509 --> 00:10:28,645 Do you have this in green? 267 00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:30,780 (slurping) I don't understand 268 00:10:30,813 --> 00:10:34,217 why you have to wear that fanny pack over your new suit. 269 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,421 You want me to carry hundreds of tiny screwdrivers in my pockets? 270 00:10:37,453 --> 00:10:38,921 - Are you crazy? - (fabric rips) 271 00:10:38,954 --> 00:10:40,456 Oh, my pants just ripped again. 272 00:10:40,490 --> 00:10:42,793 How?! You're just sitting there. 273 00:10:42,826 --> 00:10:44,260 I got a weird ass. 274 00:10:47,797 --> 00:10:49,733 We've wasted the whole day at the mall. 275 00:10:49,765 --> 00:10:51,601 Now I've got to rush to the airport. 276 00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:53,770 Well, if you got to wear the fanny pack, 277 00:10:53,803 --> 00:10:55,639 why don't you pop on these aviators 278 00:10:55,672 --> 00:10:58,408 or maybe go sleeveless. 279 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,643 My sleeves! You know how cold I get! 280 00:11:00,677 --> 00:11:01,945 (shivering) 281 00:11:01,977 --> 00:11:03,746 Suck it up, Stan! 282 00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,315 You're turning women off all over town! 283 00:11:06,348 --> 00:11:08,150 You said I look like Chris Hemsworth! 284 00:11:08,183 --> 00:11:09,453 I lied! 285 00:11:09,486 --> 00:11:11,688 You look Elliot Hemsworth! 286 00:11:11,721 --> 00:11:12,447 Elliot? 287 00:11:12,447 --> 00:11:14,690 He's the disgrace of the Hemsworth clan. 288 00:11:14,723 --> 00:11:16,859 They tried to remove all trace of him on the Internet. 289 00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,428 With good reason! 290 00:11:18,461 --> 00:11:19,796 He's not an actor. 291 00:11:19,828 --> 00:11:21,698 He's just a doctor. 292 00:11:21,731 --> 00:11:24,301 (gasps) Well, you're a doctor, too! 293 00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,835 Dr. Evil! 294 00:11:25,869 --> 00:11:28,538 "One million dollars!" 295 00:11:28,571 --> 00:11:31,342 That's you! (sobbing) 296 00:11:33,909 --> 00:11:36,847 Can't you be the guy who other women want again? 297 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,948 - We can fix this! - We? 298 00:11:38,981 --> 00:11:40,317 Hey, I don't have to fix anything. 299 00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:41,253 This is your problem. 300 00:11:41,253 --> 00:11:43,887 I'm just trying to live my life and race my car. 301 00:11:43,919 --> 00:11:46,689 Not worry about whether women find me attractive. 302 00:11:46,722 --> 00:11:48,791 Well, they don't! 303 00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:51,027 - WOMAN: Hey, Stan! - Mel! 304 00:11:51,060 --> 00:11:52,528 (squeals) 305 00:11:52,562 --> 00:11:54,331 I am so excited for Altoona! 306 00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:57,034 Tell me about it. I'm ready to run through a brick wall. 307 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,536 Oh, Mel, this is my cruel wife, Francine. 308 00:11:59,568 --> 00:12:01,505 So nice to finally meet you. 309 00:12:01,538 --> 00:12:03,173 What the... 310 00:12:07,544 --> 00:12:08,879 We should go, Stan. 311 00:12:08,911 --> 00:12:10,146 Yep. Right behind ya. 312 00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:12,049 Just how I like it. 313 00:12:12,082 --> 00:12:13,817 (giggles) Kidding! 314 00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:15,218 That's Mel? 315 00:12:15,251 --> 00:12:16,685 Yep, she's my lane monkey 316 00:12:16,718 --> 00:12:19,321 and does some T3 raid racing herself. 317 00:12:19,355 --> 00:12:20,557 Sorry, slot talk. 318 00:12:20,589 --> 00:12:23,659 Probably not doin' it for ya. 319 00:12:23,693 --> 00:12:25,529 Why wouldn't he tell me about her? 320 00:12:25,562 --> 00:12:26,863 STEVE: Mom? 321 00:12:26,895 --> 00:12:27,954 Don't look at her, don't talk to her. 322 00:12:27,954 --> 00:12:31,367 Her thing doesn't concern us. We're not talking to her. 323 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,610 (tires squeal) 324 00:12:35,642 --> 00:12:37,646 Oh, Stan! 325 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,815 You can drive me anywhere. 326 00:12:40,848 --> 00:12:44,285 (engine revs) 327 00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:46,954 I want to go there. 328 00:12:46,987 --> 00:12:48,390 Ooh, wee 329 00:12:50,925 --> 00:12:52,194 Ooh 330 00:12:54,762 --> 00:12:57,199 (giggles) Stan! 331 00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:03,237 Stop! Stan, stop right now! 332 00:13:03,271 --> 00:13:04,740 But you're the one driving. 333 00:13:04,772 --> 00:13:07,708 334 00:13:07,742 --> 00:13:10,746 Ooh, wee 335 00:13:10,878 --> 00:13:12,713 Ooh, wee 336 00:13:12,747 --> 00:13:14,436 (giggles) Faster. 337 00:13:14,436 --> 00:13:16,037 Faster! 338 00:13:17,350 --> 00:13:20,683 No, no. Oh, no, no! 339 00:13:20,718 --> 00:13:21,923 Oh, my God! 340 00:13:21,955 --> 00:13:23,557 I drove him toward... 341 00:13:23,591 --> 00:13:25,494 - (screams) - Hey, Francine. 342 00:13:25,526 --> 00:13:26,661 Wake up, wake up, wake up! 343 00:13:26,744 --> 00:13:28,080 It's okay, you're awake! 344 00:13:28,113 --> 00:13:30,282 I've been experimenting with steroids. 345 00:13:30,315 --> 00:13:32,284 It's awesome! 346 00:13:32,316 --> 00:13:33,786 Now I wear tank tops 347 00:13:33,819 --> 00:13:36,622 with the thinnest straps you've ever seen. 348 00:13:46,611 --> 00:13:48,734 You okay? You've been so quiet. 349 00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,909 I had a big fight with Francine. 350 00:13:50,944 --> 00:13:53,004 She said some things that have me wondering if... 351 00:13:53,037 --> 00:13:55,640 (imitates tires screeching) Aw! 352 00:13:55,673 --> 00:13:59,610 Did wittle Stan Smith have a fight with his wittle wife? 353 00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:01,773 You don't even have a wife, Lonny. 354 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,285 That's 'cause I don't want one! 355 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,079 I could have any girl in this place! 356 00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:07,682 I'm the only girl here. 357 00:14:07,717 --> 00:14:09,754 Are... Are you asking me to marry you? 358 00:14:09,787 --> 00:14:11,489 Just worry about the race 359 00:14:11,523 --> 00:14:13,691 and the killer joke about your name 360 00:14:13,725 --> 00:14:16,795 that Stan's got locked and loaded for after he wins. 361 00:14:16,827 --> 00:14:18,096 Good luck. 362 00:14:18,129 --> 00:14:19,597 People have been trying to make fun of 363 00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:22,467 the Bulmanferg name for years, but it's bulletproof! 364 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,836 And you're not gonna have a chance anyway. 365 00:14:24,869 --> 00:14:28,874 'Cause you're a loser... a real Elliot Hemsworth! 366 00:14:28,907 --> 00:14:31,542 Turbo boost! (zooming) 367 00:14:31,575 --> 00:14:33,277 Elliot might be a doctor now, 368 00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:35,214 but here's still time to turn his life around. 369 00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,648 (sighs) 370 00:14:36,681 --> 00:14:39,051 Julia Child didn't blossom till her mid-40s. 371 00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:41,720 Yeah, and Judi Dench... this is a fact, I read it... 372 00:14:41,753 --> 00:14:45,157 simply did not exist until she was 56 years old. 373 00:14:47,958 --> 00:14:50,695 I've driven Stan into the arms of some skank 374 00:14:50,728 --> 00:14:53,564 who actually cares about all his stupid stuff! 375 00:14:53,598 --> 00:14:55,666 Oh, there's an easy way to fix this. 376 00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:57,835 Just sleep with one of his coworkers. 377 00:14:57,868 --> 00:14:59,170 That works. 378 00:14:59,203 --> 00:15:01,405 Or the super-ripped fish. He's hot. 379 00:15:01,439 --> 00:15:04,242 Or someone closer to him, 380 00:15:04,275 --> 00:15:06,712 like his little buddy, Steve. 381 00:15:06,745 --> 00:15:09,715 No, I'm not sleeping with Steve! 382 00:15:09,747 --> 00:15:11,215 What am I doing? 383 00:15:11,248 --> 00:15:13,117 Drinking Windex and fertilizer 384 00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:15,420 and talking to the voices in my head?! 385 00:15:15,453 --> 00:15:17,356 This ends now! 386 00:15:17,389 --> 00:15:20,392 - No! - No! 387 00:15:20,425 --> 00:15:22,694 We'll be waiting for you in Hell! 388 00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:25,429 You will weep before the Dark Lord! 389 00:15:25,463 --> 00:15:27,432 Your arms are too thick for that dress! 390 00:15:27,464 --> 00:15:29,200 Everyone thinks so! 391 00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:31,636 I'm gonna go get my husband back! 392 00:15:31,670 --> 00:15:33,304 Klaus, you're in charge. 393 00:15:33,338 --> 00:15:35,307 I'm taking control of my life. 394 00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:37,642 You see the pool, right? 395 00:15:42,112 --> 00:15:43,748 Then there's James Michener. 396 00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:45,883 He didn't write his first book until he was 40. 397 00:15:45,916 --> 00:15:48,586 Helen Mirren wasn't hot until she turned 70. 398 00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:51,490 Yeah. Stan, you have a long list of late-bloomers. 399 00:15:51,522 --> 00:15:53,057 (sighs) 400 00:15:53,091 --> 00:15:54,960 Can I ask you a question? 401 00:15:54,992 --> 00:15:57,429 Do you think I'm... attractive? 402 00:15:57,462 --> 00:16:01,133 Stan, you're the first white man I've ever been attracted to. 403 00:16:01,165 --> 00:16:02,400 I appreciate that. 404 00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:04,169 (cellphone rings) 405 00:16:04,202 --> 00:16:06,304 It's Francine. I should take this. 406 00:16:06,338 --> 00:16:07,772 Don't think about Francine. 407 00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:09,407 You've got the biggest race of your life tomorrow. 408 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,109 You need to relax. Hey. 409 00:16:12,142 --> 00:16:14,312 I've got a naughty idea. 410 00:16:14,346 --> 00:16:16,448 (whispering) 411 00:16:19,483 --> 00:16:22,119 And them first class be like spoiled little kids. 412 00:16:22,152 --> 00:16:24,288 Spoiled little kids sitting there all, 413 00:16:24,322 --> 00:16:26,525 "Where's my apple juice?" 414 00:16:26,558 --> 00:16:28,927 (forced laughter) 415 00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:31,162 Exit row gets it. 416 00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:34,365 Meanwhile, coach passengers be like, "Can I have a seat? 417 00:16:34,399 --> 00:16:36,768 Can I have a seat? 418 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,270 Just one little seat. 419 00:16:38,303 --> 00:16:40,338 Just one big enough to put my butt cheek on 420 00:16:40,372 --> 00:16:42,473 while first class drinks their apple juice." 421 00:16:42,506 --> 00:16:44,542 (forced laughter) 422 00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:48,379 I hope that's the only crash landing we experience today. 423 00:16:48,413 --> 00:16:50,816 (laughter and applause) 424 00:16:50,848 --> 00:16:53,484 We'll be touching down in Fort Worth soon. 425 00:16:53,517 --> 00:16:56,387 A funny name, because any reason "worth" visiting 426 00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:59,323 must be hidden in a "fort" somewhere. 427 00:16:59,357 --> 00:17:01,492 (laughter and applause) 428 00:17:03,228 --> 00:17:06,165 (slot cars zooming) 429 00:17:20,345 --> 00:17:23,182 MAN: Four laps to go, they're neck and neck! 430 00:17:25,617 --> 00:17:28,153 This is crazy! 431 00:17:28,185 --> 00:17:30,088 Here they come! 432 00:17:31,856 --> 00:17:33,492 The yellow car won. 433 00:17:33,524 --> 00:17:36,261 Wait, i-it's over? Did I win? 434 00:17:36,293 --> 00:17:37,762 Did you have the yellow car? 435 00:17:37,796 --> 00:17:39,064 - Yeah. - Then you won. 436 00:17:39,097 --> 00:17:40,331 Yes! 437 00:17:40,365 --> 00:17:42,733 All right, Stan. You bested me. 438 00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:46,371 But the Bulmanferg name remains indestructible. 439 00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:48,272 I wouldn't be so sure... 440 00:17:48,306 --> 00:17:50,609 Foolmanferg. 441 00:17:50,642 --> 00:17:52,277 You have... 442 00:17:52,309 --> 00:17:53,912 destroyed me. 443 00:17:53,944 --> 00:17:55,679 Look for me in the obituaries. 444 00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:58,016 - Yes! - You did it, Stan! 445 00:17:58,049 --> 00:18:01,051 Mel, I can't stop thinking about what we did last night. 446 00:18:01,085 --> 00:18:02,554 I feel terrible. 447 00:18:02,587 --> 00:18:05,257 It was a one-time thing, no one has to know. 448 00:18:05,290 --> 00:18:08,559 I'll know. 449 00:18:08,592 --> 00:18:11,262 Forget about him. You need a real man. 450 00:18:11,296 --> 00:18:13,465 What do you say we go up to my room 451 00:18:13,498 --> 00:18:15,834 and you take my virginity. 452 00:18:21,638 --> 00:18:23,274 (sighs) 453 00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:26,744 Francine?! 454 00:18:26,778 --> 00:18:28,814 Stan, I'm so sorry. 455 00:18:28,847 --> 00:18:30,882 (sobbing) 456 00:18:30,915 --> 00:18:33,984 Francine, I cheated with Mel! 457 00:18:34,018 --> 00:18:36,488 Oh, God! I knew it! 458 00:18:36,521 --> 00:18:38,290 I threw it all away. 459 00:18:38,322 --> 00:18:41,091 I had it all, and I threw it all away. 460 00:18:41,125 --> 00:18:43,761 (sobbing) 461 00:18:43,794 --> 00:18:45,796 No, it was my fault! 462 00:18:45,829 --> 00:18:47,732 I pushed you away. 463 00:18:47,764 --> 00:18:49,266 We can come back from this. 464 00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:50,801 We can rebuild! 465 00:18:50,835 --> 00:18:54,139 No, it's over, Francine. We have to get a divorce. 466 00:18:54,172 --> 00:18:56,508 I won't fight you for custody. You can have them. 467 00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:59,176 I can't believe this is happening! 468 00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:01,179 Mel said it wouldn't be such a big deal 469 00:19:01,212 --> 00:19:02,814 if we stripped everything off. 470 00:19:02,847 --> 00:19:05,250 Ah! Stripped it off! 471 00:19:05,282 --> 00:19:06,818 And shaved down the axle. 472 00:19:06,850 --> 00:19:10,254 You shaved down the axle! 473 00:19:10,288 --> 00:19:12,089 And we added tack to the tires 474 00:19:12,123 --> 00:19:14,492 so we wouldn't lose speed on the turns! 475 00:19:14,526 --> 00:19:16,495 Tack to the tires?! 476 00:19:16,528 --> 00:19:18,997 I should have let you do that to me! 477 00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:22,466 Wait. Are you talking about cheating at slot cars? 478 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,469 Yes, my title means nothing. 479 00:19:24,501 --> 00:19:25,803 I'm a fraud! 480 00:19:25,837 --> 00:19:28,106 Oh, good. Our marriage is fine. 481 00:19:28,138 --> 00:19:29,808 Stan, I was wrong for trying to change you. 482 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,108 I'll see you at home. 483 00:19:31,142 --> 00:19:33,879 (groaning) 484 00:19:33,912 --> 00:19:37,683 (sobbing) How did this become so important to me?! 485 00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:44,055 Remember, our menu is 100% gluten-free... 486 00:19:44,088 --> 00:19:47,826 because food is 100% not available. 487 00:19:47,858 --> 00:19:48,693 (laughter) 488 00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:50,794 That's it! 489 00:19:51,675 --> 00:19:53,498 Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha. 490 00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,399 How about a little dark humor? 491 00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:57,868 10 minutes ago, I initiated an engine failure 492 00:19:57,902 --> 00:20:00,171 which will make the plane lose hydraulics, 493 00:20:00,203 --> 00:20:01,973 release shrapnel into the ductwork, 494 00:20:02,005 --> 00:20:04,041 and start an uncontainable fire. 495 00:20:04,075 --> 00:20:05,176 (all gasp) 496 00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:06,845 And for my closing joke, 497 00:20:06,877 --> 00:20:09,013 a 30,000 foot drop to your death. 498 00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:11,850 Thank you, you're a wonderful audience. 499 00:20:11,883 --> 00:20:14,853 (all screaming, alarm ringing) 500 00:20:15,987 --> 00:20:17,088 You see my set? 501 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,656 I killed! 502 00:20:18,690 --> 00:20:20,592 Yah! 503 00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,059 (bleep) me. 504 00:20:22,092 --> 00:20:24,595 (screaming) 505 00:20:34,871 --> 00:20:38,075 (laughter) 506 00:20:38,108 --> 00:20:39,543 They're... 507 00:20:39,577 --> 00:20:40,912 laughing. 508 00:20:40,944 --> 00:20:43,581 (laughing) 509 00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:45,550 They're all laughing. 510 00:20:45,582 --> 00:20:47,952 Oh... I see a white light. 511 00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:50,254 White light be all, "Um, can you come towards me, 512 00:20:50,288 --> 00:20:52,022 if it's not too much trouble?" 513 00:20:52,056 --> 00:20:54,613 Black light be like, "Get your ass over here!" 514 00:20:54,613 --> 00:20:56,661 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 515 00:20:56,711 --> 00:21:01,261 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0